Don't get me wrong: I liked "Sucker Punch." A lot, actually. I get the whole "playing with representations of femininity and exploitation" thing, and don't even mind the fact that an ersatz-David Carradine (played by Scott Glenn, who I've literally never heard of) was still the phallologocentric mastermind behind her whole escape. It's high time someone gives credit to captive strippers for being able to imagine the badass video-game scenarios that serve as obvious metaphors for their lack of IRL empowerment. It beats the hell out of "The Never-ending Story," boobs-wise, at least. Of course, the crotch-shot and up-skirt content slightly weakened the whole third-wave feminist angle, considering that it rivals the amounts you might see in an Urabon (which, if you can't figure out from context, I wouldn't recommend Googling without a serious look-around). All things considered, the biggest problem I had with it was the conceit they forced upon the viewer where we're not allowed to see the actual content of the main character's secret, dirty dancing (though it can't have been as good as Jennifer Grey (who, I just realized, was also named "Baby," and/or Patrick Swayze). Thus, I've decided to construct a deleted scene which I vainly hope to see on the DVD/BluRay release:
DELETED SCENE
[BABY is on stage, all eyes intent upon her, preparing for the mind-bending eroticism that they had been promised by the Russian lady from “Bullwinkle.”]
NATASHA: Leestahn too zee myuuzeek, and find your fleeeduhm.
BABY: … [She begins swaying, left to right, wielding her camel-toe like a wizard’s cloak in a daring proclamation of post-feminist power-reclamation].
NATASHA: Beeehold… ze dahnce!
[BABY grabs an invisible katana, which she begins swinging like an MLB player who has mistaken his steroid injection and accidentally slammed straight PCP into his ass. She twirls in precarious circles, making a loud buzzing sound while extending her arms to imitate airplane wings]
BABY: Pee-ooo-pee-ooo! B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-kaboom! Blam-blam!
CREEPY, FAT UGLY MAN #312: What… what the hell is she doing?
CREEPY, LESS FAT BUT MORE UGLY MAN #214: That so just killed my boner… where did my boner go?
[BABY transitions into a leaping frenzy of amateurish round-kicks, punching wildly at the air like a dizzy toddler who has just discovered why you don’t put your head in a plastic bag.]
BABY: Hiiiiya! Kee-yee! Whhaaaaaa-taaa!
CREEPY, FAT UGLY MAN #312: Err… what are we supposed to do here? Do I throw money to make her stop?
CREEPY, LESS FAT BUT MORE UGLY MAN #214: Just wait it out, bro. I don’t feel so good about this. I’m a little scared, actually.
[As if coming out of a trance, BABY ceases her motion, her tired limbs dangling weakly. She looks around the room in silence, a little ashamed, but with the inner-strength of a half-naked ninja.]
CREEPY, LESS FAT BUT MORE UGLY MAN #214: [whispering] Oh, thank god. C’mon – let’s clap. Clap or else she’ll do it again, dammit – I don’t think I could take that. [Slowly starts clapping]
[The clapping is matched by the other, bewildered men in the room].
