The following is a scene from “Speed 2,” which is almost unarguably one of the greatest cinematic triumphs to ever take the form of “large, multi-passenger vehicle charging out of control.” However, in the spirit of “esprit d’escalier,” the conversation finishes how it should have finished, instead of how it actually finishes. I have chosen this scene because it stands out in particular as a hallmark of the perceptive, organic dialogue that the series is best known for (outside of single-handedly reinventing the brilliant career of thespian-master Keanu Reeves).
The film opens with a clever and grittily realistic DMV driving test for Sandra Bullock’s character, Annie Brunette Lady, whose honest and moving struggles with having a vagina are interfering with her automotive performance, and who barely survives the ordeal, likely maiming a truck driver and several other innocent civilians in the process, all the while discussing her deeply personal relationship problems with her driving instructor – I think we’ve all been there.
Of course, life works in funny ways, and as a testament to those strange coincidences, her crashing into a parked cop car happens to land her face-to-face with said boyfriend, Alex Hasacock, who thus is forced to reveal that his true line of work is not the police work he claimed to enjoy on Venice Beach, but as a SWAT Policeman on Venice Beach. This kind of Shakespearean plot-turn can really only be appreciated through viewing, so I will not try to describe the poetry of cinemathique that is evinced through the masterful direction of the director.
This brings us to our scene, as shortly thereafter Alex whisks Annie away on a Caribbean cruise – both to apologize for his conniving duplicity, and because he was going to anyway. The subtleness of this character development, I must say, is to such a degree that it becomes almost completely and utterly imperceptible. They embark on their journey, and it is there that the film really “begins.”
Alex has just finished communicating with a deaf girl through ASL, which he learned because he “wanted to know another language,” and which is rendered totally unnecessary because they’re both mouthing the words anyway. The deaf girl’s uptight father is staring disapprovingly, not so much out of the creepiness of a 35-year old man striking up a conversation across the ledo deck with his 12-year old daughter, but because he recognizes what a shameless contrivance this will be when Alex has to communicate crucial, life-saving information without being heard.
I must reiterate: this dialogue is actually in the movie, word-for-word, and I only suggest the alternate ending because after this point, I don’t know what happened because I got up from my couch to take a dump.
Alex: She says you’re beautiful, and our kids will be beautiful.
Annie: I don’t know about kids.
Garish Midwesterner: So, what – kids aren’t on the menu?
Annie: Sure, they’re on the menu – it just depends on who’s ordering.
[Garish Midwesterner leaves the table because she reads the stage directions]
Alex: So, can I order a la carte?
Annie: Wait a minute; I’m not even sure you’re in my section.
Alex: I specifically requested this table.
Annie: Hmm, I don’t know – are you a good tipper?
Alex: It depends on the service.
Annie: Well, there’s always service with a smile for you.
Alex [Gently cupping her mandible]: That’s good, because I think I’m going to stay for a while.
Annie: Wait – are you serious right now?
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[Esprit d’escalier enters here]
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Alex: Serious about what? What the hell are we even talking about right now?
Annie: I’m really not too sure, to tell the truth. Okay – so we started off with kids, right?
Alex: Yes. Definitely. Kids. And then you compared them to…
Annie: - Food on a dinner menu.
Alex: Right – this is making sense now. Because that dye-jobbed yokel mentioned a cliché, and in lieu of actual wit, we decided to just start running with it, like we were…
Annie: Out of control?
Alex: U-huh. So then I called you the waitress, because that’s really the only thing you could be if the food was our children…
Annie: Hold up – take it back a sec’; why is our children food again?
Alex: No, I’m going to lose it if I stop. You’re the waitress, the food’s our unborn baby – or babies, I’m not ruling anything out here – and then I wanted to order…. what was it… a la carte?
Annie: Yeah… like, what does that even mean?
Alex: I’m not sure, it really just sounded like something to say right then – isn’t that, ummm, when you only order one thing at a time?
Annie: Like when you order a Jumbo Jack – just the burger?
Alex: Exactly. And they’re always like “no combo?” And you’re like “No… just the burger” as if you had to justify not wanting those soggy fries and a watered-down Dr. Pepper for three dollars…
Annie: Right? Wait – but how does that apply to children? Does that mean you don’t want twins?
Alex: Um… I guess – wait…
Annie: Oh my god, Alex – are you going to kill one of our unborn twins? Is that what you’re trying to say? What kind of monster –
Alex: No- no, god no, that couldn’t be it. What, actually, was I saying? Great Master of Puppets – what the hell could I have been trying to say?
Annie: I – I don’t know, Alex. You’re starting to scare me… why are we saying any of this?
Alex: Wait – what about what you said? I’m not in your section? So, you’re a waitress who carries fetuses on a platter for human consumption, but you won’t serve me because of where the goddam hostess told me to sit? What is wrong with you?
Annie: Oh, sweet anal-fissure of Saturn, I think you’re right. And then – what did I say – I asked you if you were a good tipper… why? I’m serving you things that came from my uterus; what would you be tipping me for?
Alex: Oh no. Oh, dear Spider-Man-the-Musical, no. I think… Annie, honey, I think you’re – a…
Annie: - Don’t say it -
Ales: - A –
Annie: - Please, don’t say it –
Alex: - A terrible actress. I’m sorry, but that’s the only thing any of this could possibly mean.
Annie: …Oh. Well, yeah. No, totally; I get that. You’re a complete train-wreck yourself, after all.
Alex: You think? Like, no der. Pffft.
Annie: Sha!
Alex: Kkkkkhh.
Annie: [Makes fart noise with her hand and mouth]
Alex: [Makes fart noise with his anal cavity]
[Both start laughing. The camera pans to the deaf girl, who stares directly into the lens and signs “who farted?” before holding her nose. The ship blows up].
-Fin-
